naufal shahrir

Before I went to France, many advised me to be careful, there’s pickpockets everywhere, don’t say yes to everything people says and never easily trust those sellers.

For people who never really went outside my own country, travelling, of course I took every advice seriously. After all, you didn’t want to risk it all. Cause I don’t have any money if I were to be pickpocket-ed!

So, I don’t put my wallet in the back pocket of my jeans, instead I put it in the inside pocket of my backpack, which I worn it in front. That’s how careful I was.

Just like any other narrative of my stories, I found that I learnt a lot more when I was in France. Just the way I interact with Allah.

We found out that the ticket machines for trains there were equally terrible to Malaysia’s. haha.

We need one to ride on, but there’s none that functioned. So, we gambled and hopped on the train, in which we decided that we will buy the tickets once we arrived to our destination. To our bad, the machine tickets is outside the gate, and we stucked there with no idea what to do.

We stayed there, blanked, for nearly 30 minutes before we decided the best thing to do is to ask local people to buy the tickets for us, so we could go out the gate. It’s risky and we were pretty doubtful. But we did it anyways.

We called one, mid-twenty, black French guy who was nice enough to help us. ( He asked us to jump over the gate, the Frenchs did it all time. But we refused, obviously. ) He did! we were so thankful we asked him to keep the change.

There were also many black French people around the Eiffel Tower, trying to sell souvenirs in which they carried with them and approached people and shouted “souvenirs!”. But I quite afraid to buy. These people are usually scammers in Malaysia. But my senior, Jalal told me that I should buy from them. We can bargained and they sell them quite cheap ( Jalal said, ” Alah, kalau bagi key-chain sebijik diam lah orang”) in which I regretted later cause I don’t even trying to look at them. haha.

Things I kept myself noted, never judge people. It’s okay to have some doubt, but never to ignore it in total. France, for some is overrated, but for me is a wonderful experience. The imperfections of one country is what worth treasuring. If you don’t, you wouldn’t love your country more 😉

 

Yesterday, Zuhdi posted something on Facebook. He just ended his internal medical posting. We ended up bringing up the past where we dreamt to be a doctor together. Open up a small clinic together, helping people as much as we could. That’s the dream. That’s the plan.

well, I guess only Zuhdi being true to his words 😀

Somehow I’m doing engineering and I don’t have any idea how!

I envied people with dreams. They carried those dreams through years, nurtured it and trying hard to keep it alive. Honestly, I didn’t think many could do that, many wanted to but failed halfway. Pretty envied because to be born without one is such a confusion. There’s multiple roads ahead and you have no idea which way to take, you had to gamble. A life with a game was never fun. It’s a torture. Especially when the game wasn’t into your liking.

Sometimes you had a dream, but you just couldn’t find a way how to make it alive. In my case, I think it was never really in my favour. But still, it’s a beautiful process. It’s good because it makes you realised that life isn’t yours to begin with. I always had my future in mind, what I wanted to be or where I wanted to stand, but life sometimes bring me to those places with some twisted ways in which I had never dreamt of.

What I meant is, I wanted A with the planned B, but Allah brings me A with the C path. Do you with me?

I don’t really know who are you reading this post?

If you are still young, and confused in which way you should go, my advice is to follow your dream. This is very cliche but trust me, dream isn’t born with everyone. You have one, live it. I know there were many things to consider and every road lies gold beneath but nothing worth your dream.

Says a guy with a no dream *tears*

 

Today is getting colder. I decided it’s the best time to take out my denim, borg jacket out of the closet and wore it. It indeed pretty cool and I’m shivering along my way to school.

I smelt my jacket and kissed the scent it brought.

It calmed me. It calmed me because it reminded me of London. I wore it back then. I can sense that again. The rain was pouring down on the Oxford street, the buskers were singing at the pavement, people were packed, walking along the street, I got a glimpse of everything in a second time I kissed the scent. Flooded my mind. A very brief, astonishing moment.

That’s explain why I love to collect perfumes, I guess.

I could bring those memories alive again which bottled in perfumes and some garments I wore. After all, I am a little bit a sentimentalist.

What a weird thing.

If the thought of hopelessness about myself ( hardly to communicate in Japanese, blurring while doing experiments, hardly to understand one) doesn’t enough to cloud my mind, well I just had one more space to add one to the collection.

One of my friend came to me, whispering in Japanese (at least I can understand what he say! haha!) that my senior who was assigned to help me, talking about how incompetent I am. How I wasted time and not studying. This whole situation could be exaggerated by my super extra drama friend, but still, it hurts. I thought I could ignore such things, but sadly I can’t. Frankly speaking, I also thought that me, myself was not much a help. I could not really grasped the complicated theories, plus the miscommunications, and everything makes me feel bad.

It was important to note this, that studying here isn’t most time a fairytale. Just when I felt very down, one of my friends shared his. Scolded in front of the lab members, the blames were all put on him, well I guess we all have those bad moments. This was one of many stories I heard from many many of my friends.

It came to my mind by the time I was cycling home from the miserable day at school that I am the bangla of Japan. Well, we sort of laughing the way the bangladeshis speak Malay, and now probably I’m the laughing stuff.

Regardless of everything, despite how depressing this thing had brought me in, I’m still very sure that I should learn one or two things. After all, it was indeed my very own bad that created this drama (?)

More reasons why people shouldn’t call me genius 🙂

 

When people scroll through my social media, they envy my life. I got some messages, telling how exciting my life is, going here and there, trying cool stuffs and collecting some rare memories. That’s life. Been there, done that.

Truth is life is a rollercoaster ride, it could bring you up above the cloud or lower than the ground while screaming your lungs out. We all are struggling and you just don’t see it. We don’t really show it either.

I went to Tokyo to meet Dewa, paying respect for him and met many many of my friends all around the Japan. We talk many things. One of them is the struggle.

Some are having difficulties in their studies, failing and probably have to repeat year. Some are squishing ideas for lab when the surrounding isn’t helpful. Some looking for a job, pouring money here and there. Some are struggling with health, going in and out of a hospital is a routine. We all are having a rough time. Studying oversea sounds cool but the challenges aren’t.

Me too, is struggling. Not yet secure any job, Osaka to Tokyo almost every week, money running faster than Usain Bolt and worst of it, reaping my confidence while interviewing. But trust me, I’m not complaining. We all are not complaining. You know, we laughed louder than the storms, our selfies are full with smiles and our jokes are retweeted thousands.

When Dewa passed away, he certainly did broke some chains and circles in my mind. Rushing to lab, rushing to interview, midnight rides and inadequate meals. I soon rethinking my plans, take a break, sorting my priorities back at Him. I overlooked certain things in life. Hence, I took pictures with everyone I met because I realised I had none with Dewa, in which I regret till this very moment. Spending time with others, karaoke-ing or eating together while I can. I believe it’s not only me doing this, but we all. I’m lucky to be part of this team. I don’t have any word for these boys I had around. I’m proud too.

If you are struggling, we all are. If you think your life dulls, scroll through your photo gallery and remembered them. If you envied someone’s life, there is someone envied yours. This life isn’t pretty, sweet nor exciting if we don’t love it.

Life is short. We can plan the heavens but Him the one who decide the finale. Worry don’t. He surely plans better.

 

 

 

2017年8月3日

I lost my friend today.

The first friend I ever lost, at the age of 22.

He was the kindest, the rarest and the happiest living life I had ever met.

You are so amazing, people started calling you dewa.

Brimming ideas with thousand roundabouts, always questioning the unusual, always with the crazy ideas and always with the tiny box you hide yourself.

This is my personal space. You are here because you are personal to me.

I’ll never forget you. Your advices, your stubbornness, your incredible mind, your struggles, your stories, your happiness, your dramas. Everything.

I felt very bad.

To only remember you today.

Dear amirul asyraf,  whisper my name to Him. Grace me with a scent of haven. Amen

 

 

 

I talk much more in my mind rather than in my real life. Not because I’m an introvert, but pretty much more because it better to be kept in. Away. Locked and unknown.

Today, I talked very few to people and a little bit too much to myself. Hence I wrote them here instead before I have to deal with schizopheria.

I woke up late today. Went to the job hunting kind of event organized by my uni, got some goody bags (the one that motivate me to go). Then I went to the apaman, to settle the house for kouhaitchi (junior). I felt pretty bad today cause everyone seem not very interested in helping. So I don’t have any interest to speak to anyone today. Cause they won’t even bother to listen.

When I was still a young boy, I found a picture of my dad, playing with the snow. I had no idea by then that my father actually went oversea, which is for me, a lifetime dream. 

Since then, I set him as my role model. I wanted to be like him. I’m going to pose in the snow exactly the way he did in the photo. Well, that’s the plan. But the journey isn’t easy I tell ya.

Didn’t born with einstein’s mind quite challenging tho. I struggled almost in every phase of my life. From UPSR to PMR, PMR to SPM, SPM to JAD. Every phase is tiring. Dried me alive. 

Looking others and blaming yourself, why la you cannot be like him. Why la one topic took you weeks to understand. So many whys till you eventually cried. It never easy to be just average. 

But I always, ALWAYS keep telling myself,

“You are not an idiot! your dad’s gene running through your veins tho. You just need to work harder!”

After 10 years+ of dreaming, hoping and praying, I actually did it 😆

I just wanted to tell you dad, how I love you. How you could inspire me without saying anything. You and mum did great in shaping me. The flaws are all mine. Never  yours. Never hers. 

I wish I could back in time

To the time I free from the harm

Of the sins

 Burying me deep down
I wish I could be reborn

So I won’t make any sin 

to Him or to everyone

We are living in the world, in which the bad deeds are so usual, people are actually considering it as a norm in a society. 

The good deeds, however, are so rare that people couldn’t hold themselves from mocking, insulting and questioning the intention of the people who make those good deeds.

Why should we questioning? Doesn’t Allah mentioned in the Quran, 2:274

“Those who spend their wealth [in Allah ‘s way] by night and by day, secretly and publicly – they will have their reward with their Lord. And no fear will there be concerning them, nor will they grieve.”

Allah love people secretly spend their wealth, and He also love the one who publicly spends their wealth for the sake of Allah.

Read the papers. Read those articles. Watch the news on tv. Hear it from the radio. There are so many crimes and hates. They dominated us.

So, why don’t we let the good deeds dominate the news. Why don’t we just simply be amazed by people who are showing to the world their good deeds without questioning their intentions? Why can’t we just simply pray for their success?

Are we so that hateful?